Thursday, October 21, 2010
It's funny how life plays out... you make bad decisions that during the moment you think are good decisions even when in your heart you know that they are not healthy for you or your future. I have made bad decisions that I regret, some I took the lesson that life has showed me & kept it moving. I try not to get hung up on what I should have done after I realize that what i was doing was self destructing, just on how to make things better. I was in an abusive relationship for three years I thought this man was the one. I knew better in my head. I cut off all of my support systems the only ones who was still staying was a couple of friends, my favorite cousin & my mother. I'm not mad that my friends who I have been friends with for eons walked away. I wasn't the girl they knew i was brainwashed. I let him control my life. Their presence away from me made me stronger at first i hated them for it. that was cuz it was him who had me thinking so. I went thru things that no woman shall. I put up with things that nobody should. I was financially taking care of a man that didn't have a job, car, ambition or motivation. Every morning I got me & his son up while he lay in the bed. I worked my regular 8 hrs because if i stayed out later he would accuse me on this & that. I'm fucking him or i'm sucking somebody off while i was at work. Bullshit accusations that his mind believed was true. I never cheated but yet was constantly accused. He would get mad cuz i didn't cook or clean. I felt i didn't need to being that he didn't do nothing but sit home smoke, play video games & drink. I always knew i deserved more. I fell off... I didn't get my hair done, my nails or my toes done like I have been doing since i was 14-15 yrs old. I changed who i was as a person to be whatever it is he wanted me to be. I loved him with all my heart or as much as my heart could love a man that constantly told me I'm not shit, that I will never be shit& when we were drinking sometimes we would get into physcial altercations that would leave me with bruises scars & even a broken jaw. When I would leave he would turn into this other person. he would become loving, caring passionate. all the things he wasn't when he was himself. that will last for about a week or two then he will go back to being himself. The rude motherfucker that he is. it comes a point in ones life when you say enough is a fucking enough. I have FINALLY reached that point.I'm pushing 30 i don't have time to be no one's bitch or whore or to be disrespected by the same mouth that would spit lies like how they want to grow old with me. that's not love or the type of love i want. I have rediscovered my self worth and I'm no longer taking shorts...lls i need a man who supports me & all that i do not disable me from living & enjoying my life. after it's all said and done I walk away with a $900 Pepco bill that is in collections. (I was too busying paying the rent to have any money for the lights)... while he gets to walk away with my security deposit...he is currently tryin to sweet talk whoever he can to get himself off of his baby sister's floor. I'm in no way bitter.I'm damaged but I will not let that deter me. I'm too strong of a woman to let it too. Plus my pride won't let me cry any more tears about or over it. .i figured when you spend that kind of time with some one when it's over people can still act like adults. Not putting the business on social networking site trying to play the victim. that's not my aim here either i'm just venting... If I really get the talking alot of people will not look at him the same. But i guess everyone can't be an adult. Time for me to get back to loving me & doing what I love.