Thursday, January 12, 2012
ANOTHER year has come and gone. Goodbye 2011 Hello 2012. In the first couple of days in the new year I put myself into a situation that has me and my friends questioning my motives and intentions. I have came to the conclusion that somewhere along the years I have lost myself and who I am. That may sound silly but being a people pleaser it is possible for one to do so cuz you are not trying to do what makes you happy but what pleases everyone else. So while trying to do that you end up losing yourself. At first I was mad that my judgement was being questioned then I took into account that everything happens for a reason. I begin to look at things a little different because of this event. There are things I want in my life that I am in no shape or form working on obtaining. I talk a good game but in reality I'm not doing shit to get them. I also have a problem. I like to drink way pass my limit of drinking. I get drunk and do and say the wildest shit. Things that I have may have been thinking for sometime but never had the courage to muster up and say them for the fact that those things are something that one should never say. To be told what one has done because they can't remember is like one of the worst feelings ever. You can not believe everyone. They may omit somethings because it is embarrassing for them to say it or to know that you have done whatever it is that you did. Being drunk like that reminds me of a family member who I swore that I don't ever want to be like. She has a drinking problem (tho will never admitt it ) I realize that I have one too. I get drunk and around a certain individual I lash out all of my feelings. I like to fight and become a very hostile person. I use to think that maybe I shouldn't drink around him. When in reality it's me that is the problem. I don't want to go to AA because it's not like I need to drink in order to enjoy myself I just like to do so. I need to learn limits. I have very few. not only with drinking but with alot of things. I am working on being a better me. I am at an age where I am ready to have a family and settle down for real. But I don't see such things happening to due my drinking and my crazy lifestyle. I don't slang drugs or anything but I try so hard to rebel against the norm opposed to flowing with it. Cuz the norm girls have all the things i want healthy happy relationships, expecting mothers or already mothers, established careers. All the things this confused soul doesn't. None of those things make them better then me cuz I'm sure they have their flaws or fuck ups too but to the human eye and on paper they seem as tho they have it all together. One of my resolutions is to not drink that much. To learn how to live a semi sober life. I love weed I can't give that up unless it's a good job. Last yr I wrote about how I love two men and how one of them may be better then the other. I know now that is bullshit and both of them may have their flaws or fuck ups. They are both the same. They both have the capability to break my heart by their actions or words. Yeah I know words will never hurt me but they do sting if used correctly. I have came to the conclusion that not everything is suppose to work out. 10 years ago I promised to never give a man my heart. I lied and after those 10 years were up I thought that just maybe things will be restored to the correct order. WRONG AGAIN!!!! Nothing in this world is promised. Not even waking up the next morning. This lil lesson has taught me that never count your eggs before they hatch. You can't count on someone to feel the same way you do and even though you put your all into that person or activity doesn't mean that it will always play out in your favor. It will hurt cuz it hurt me to know that he can be on Facebook but he couldn't call me to say happy new year or merry Christmas. So I'm that far from his mind. But all those years of emails and money being sent in I made sure he was never that far from mine. Well until....This guy who loves me even tho we have our issues. He deals with alot of my bullshit. As I do his. But I don't want something where I'm just "dealing" I want something magical. I want to be wooed. There are alot of things I want in my relationship but first I have to fix myself. Cuz the way I'm headed I see myself unhappy unmarried and without kids. I done wrapped this thing up long enough. LLS GOOD DAY
Saturday, October 30, 2010
My last blog pissed off alot of people that know or are related to the man that I was speaking of. I find that hilarious being that those are the same people that witnessed or stood by when some of the things I didn't & did mention was taking place. I got a call that evening asking what I posted on Twitter was all about. I simply informed that person it's my page & I feel I can write whatever it is that I want. I blamed someone who didn't even say anything about my blog to those people. Me & her had words via Twitter... but since then i apologized being that she didn't say anything in the first place. I'm an asshole at times but I will admit when I'm wrong. After i swallow my pride, which is something I HATE doing. I felt that I can use this blog to vent & if i feel free to post it on a social networking site that is indeed MY place to do so. I may have been kind of one sided with my last blog. there was a thousand feelings I was feeling at the time that gave me the courage to write it. I have spoken to him after a week of ignoring his calls & things may not be better with me & him, I felt better after speaking to him. Prior to us not speaking it felt like there was a hole in my chest that had to be filled. I felt it with hanging with my friends & trying to stay busy. I found myself crying at nite because thru all the bad I missed him. That guy wasn't all bad it's just that the bad times stuck out like thorns on a stem of a beautiful rose. After our initial hour & a half convo I found out things that I wouldn't have known other wise.Such as that chick who I thought said something didn't even say nothing at all. Along with someone called his folks to find out why i wrote what i did. Which i found dumb cuz since they following me they could have asked me their self. As the weeks go by since my initial posting I have heard the craziest things. I don't need to mention them here but it has given me the strength to come to the conclusion that no matter what a mother will always ride for their child even if they are in the wrong. Even if that means making a person they don't like look bad by spreading lies. I can see people for their true colors.If i hadn't already. My blog was a therapeutic way for me to vent. Not to be put on broad street for those who don't understand it to run back telling those who already know what I been thru. I guess people can't handle the truth. Cuz I don't lie & this blog is the TRUTH. NO LIES OR SUGAR COATING. My blog is my blog if you don't like then don't read it. *shrug* it's as simple as that. Respect my privacy or be removed from my Twitter. It's as simple as that. Fakeness or fugaziness don't reside or is wanted here so keep that shit far from here...til next time
Thursday, October 21, 2010
It's funny how life plays out... you make bad decisions that during the moment you think are good decisions even when in your heart you know that they are not healthy for you or your future. I have made bad decisions that I regret, some I took the lesson that life has showed me & kept it moving. I try not to get hung up on what I should have done after I realize that what i was doing was self destructing, just on how to make things better. I was in an abusive relationship for three years I thought this man was the one. I knew better in my head. I cut off all of my support systems the only ones who was still staying was a couple of friends, my favorite cousin & my mother. I'm not mad that my friends who I have been friends with for eons walked away. I wasn't the girl they knew i was brainwashed. I let him control my life. Their presence away from me made me stronger at first i hated them for it. that was cuz it was him who had me thinking so. I went thru things that no woman shall. I put up with things that nobody should. I was financially taking care of a man that didn't have a job, car, ambition or motivation. Every morning I got me & his son up while he lay in the bed. I worked my regular 8 hrs because if i stayed out later he would accuse me on this & that. I'm fucking him or i'm sucking somebody off while i was at work. Bullshit accusations that his mind believed was true. I never cheated but yet was constantly accused. He would get mad cuz i didn't cook or clean. I felt i didn't need to being that he didn't do nothing but sit home smoke, play video games & drink. I always knew i deserved more. I fell off... I didn't get my hair done, my nails or my toes done like I have been doing since i was 14-15 yrs old. I changed who i was as a person to be whatever it is he wanted me to be. I loved him with all my heart or as much as my heart could love a man that constantly told me I'm not shit, that I will never be shit& when we were drinking sometimes we would get into physcial altercations that would leave me with bruises scars & even a broken jaw. When I would leave he would turn into this other person. he would become loving, caring passionate. all the things he wasn't when he was himself. that will last for about a week or two then he will go back to being himself. The rude motherfucker that he is. it comes a point in ones life when you say enough is a fucking enough. I have FINALLY reached that point.I'm pushing 30 i don't have time to be no one's bitch or whore or to be disrespected by the same mouth that would spit lies like how they want to grow old with me. that's not love or the type of love i want. I have rediscovered my self worth and I'm no longer taking shorts...lls i need a man who supports me & all that i do not disable me from living & enjoying my life. after it's all said and done I walk away with a $900 Pepco bill that is in collections. (I was too busying paying the rent to have any money for the lights)... while he gets to walk away with my security deposit...he is currently tryin to sweet talk whoever he can to get himself off of his baby sister's floor. I'm in no way bitter.I'm damaged but I will not let that deter me. I'm too strong of a woman to let it too. Plus my pride won't let me cry any more tears about or over it. .i figured when you spend that kind of time with some one when it's over people can still act like adults. Not putting the business on social networking site trying to play the victim. that's not my aim here either i'm just venting... If I really get the talking alot of people will not look at him the same. But i guess everyone can't be an adult. Time for me to get back to loving me & doing what I love.