NEW YEAR NEW THINGS

ANOTHER year has come and gone. Goodbye 2011 Hello 2012. In the first couple of days in the new year I put myself into a situation that has me and my friends questioning my motives and intentions. I have came to the conclusion that somewhere along the years I have lost myself and who I am. That may sound silly but being a people pleaser it is possible for one to do so cuz you are not trying to do what makes you happy but what pleases everyone else. So while trying to do that you end up losing yourself. At first I was mad that my judgement was being questioned then I took into account that everything happens for a reason. I begin to look at things a little different because of this event. There are things I want in my life that I am in no shape or form working on obtaining. I talk a good game but in reality I'm not doing shit to get them. I also have a problem. I like to drink way pass my limit of drinking. I get drunk and do and say the wildest shit. Things that I have may have been thinking for sometime but never had the courage to muster up and say them for the fact that those things are something that one should never say. To be told what one has done because they can't remember is like one of the worst feelings ever. You can not believe everyone. They may omit somethings because it is embarrassing for them to say it or to know that you have done whatever it is that you did. Being drunk like that reminds me of a family member who I swore that I don't ever want to be like. She has a drinking problem (tho will never admitt it ) I realize that I have one too. I get drunk and around a certain individual I lash out all of my feelings. I like to fight and become a very hostile person. I use to think that maybe I shouldn't drink around him. When in reality it's me that is the problem. I don't want to go to AA because it's not like I need to drink in order to enjoy myself I just like to do so. I need to learn limits. I have very few. not only with drinking but with alot of things. I am working on being a better me. I am at an age where I am ready to have a family and settle down for real. But I don't see such things happening to due my drinking and my crazy lifestyle. I don't slang drugs or anything but I try so hard to rebel against the norm opposed to flowing with it. Cuz the norm girls have all the things i want healthy happy relationships, expecting mothers or already mothers, established careers. All the things this confused soul doesn't. None of those things make them better then me cuz I'm sure they have their flaws or fuck ups too but to the human eye and on paper they seem as tho they have it all together. One of my resolutions is to not drink that much. To learn how to live a semi sober life. I love weed I can't give that up unless it's a good job. Last yr I wrote about how I love two men and how one of them may be better then the other. I know now that is bullshit and both of them may have their flaws or fuck ups. They are both the same. They both have the capability to break my heart by their actions or words. Yeah I know words will never hurt me but they do sting if used correctly. I have came to the conclusion that not everything is suppose to work out. 10 years ago I promised to never give a man my heart. I lied and after those 10 years were up I thought that just maybe things will be restored to the correct order. WRONG AGAIN!!!! Nothing in this world is promised. Not even waking up the next morning. This lil lesson has taught me that never count your eggs before they hatch. You can't count on someone to feel the same way you do and even though you put your all into that person or activity doesn't mean that it will always play out in your favor. It will hurt cuz it hurt me to know that he can be on Facebook but he couldn't call me to say happy new year or merry Christmas. So I'm that far from his mind. But all those years of emails and money being sent in I made sure he was never that far from mine. Well until....This guy who loves me even tho we have our issues. He deals with alot of my bullshit. As I do his. But I don't want something where I'm just "dealing" I want something magical. I want to be wooed. There are alot of things I want in my relationship but first I have to fix myself. Cuz the way I'm headed I see myself unhappy unmarried and without kids. I done wrapped this thing up long enough. LLS GOOD DAY